Girl

Barista.  Unique-looking, like a supermodel from Whoville.  Not a traditional beauty but I like the way she's smiling at her customers.  I'm gonna get a refill on my coffee just to talk to her again.  I'll ask her something.  I know it's not gonna go anywhere but I want and need that feminine energy in my daily life. Plus, it's love day!  Let the love flood around me.

Freebee

I don't have to flip the coin on holidays, and Black Friday counts.  It's an automatic freebee, whatever I want to do.  And I want to be open to flirting and asking girls out.

I'm not having the greatest mental day today.  I drank alcohol the last two nights so that can't help.  

When I'm high, I imagine, in almost dream-like reality, scenarios where I meet my next girlfriend, or even "the one".  They feel so real because I can easily zone out into them, and every detail is more vibrant and alive.  I live for that sharp love-lightning in my gut and if I have to invent it for myself, so be it.  The problem is, I also have vivid fears and worries when they hit me.  I kind of like that though because they're easier to interpret when they're so loud and in my face.

I brought the "Anxiety and Worry Workbook" that I bought yesterday but soon became very self-conscious about displaying the title for everyone to see in this coffee shop.  So I used the excuse that I didn't bring a pencil - only a pen - for the reason that I can't do the work now.  I don't wanna write anything permanent in it!

I'm almost out of "fun stuff" until I get more around Christmas time.  That's a whole month without it.  I haven't gone without it for three.

When walking into the coffee shop earlier, I overheard a man say to another, "Well that's why I'm a sweet transvestite.  I am the pre package deal."

Now that's confidence!

Do-It-Yourself OCD Intervention

"The main purpose of a date is to create its own obsolescence."

-Greg Triggs, the stand-up comedian hosting today's Broadway's Next Hit Musical show at Queensborough Comminity College in Bayside, Queens.

Oh the irony!  The reason two people go on a date is to hopefully hit it off and make steps towards a relationship, which then rids their lives of dates, themselves.

Drought.  No love.  Figures, it's Sunday.

BNHM had a show on this freezing Sunday in Queens.  The crowd was entirely old and predominantly Asian.  No offense, but they weren't fun.  The car ride back was terrible because I got so car sick I thought I might throw up.  Luckily, I made it home to my nearly finished pot, which almost entirely saved the day.  There's still a hint of sickness but it's so small, I barely notice it.  

Last night I upset family again because of an OCD episode I had.  Below is a list of questions I thought might help me to calm down and avoid hurting the people I love. Of course, if anyone else wants to use my method, please be my guest!

-EMERGENCY OCD QUESTIONS-

For the OCD sufferer when you're in that all too familiar, surreal fog of fear, entrapment and paralyzing obsession.  Please read on before you do something stupid you'll most likely regret.

Are your thoughts unclear?

Are you burning up, or heading in that direction?

Are you unsure if it's OCD that's upsetting you, but you admit there is a slight possibility, however the improbability? 

Is this subject of anxiety, concerning its intensity and especially the amount of time it has been bothering you, causing for normal, happy human behavior?

Would the person close to you say, "I thought we talked about this before!" if you voiced your worries?

Is this going to upset one or more people?

Do you feel you "reserve the right" to have your opinion known?

Are you trying to change something to suit your needs?

Have you stopped to look through the eyes of the others involved?

Are you hearing the words, "enough", "what if" or "if only" in your repetitive (obsessive!) inner dialogue?

Do you think that saying something to the person you love will maybe move things closer towards perfection (hint: no one is perfect)?

Are you doubting your love for this person?

Isn't there a simpler solution?

What is really important to you?

What will happen if you tell this person about your obsession (write out an ordered breakdown of the positive and negative repercussions, then how you will feel about it and whether you think there are more negative or positive outcomes)?

Has a situation like this ever ended well?

What will be your opinion on this subject one year from now?  How about tomorrow, for that matter?

What would your future death-bed self do in this situation if he/she were given the chance to go back in time and experience this moment again?

Are you looking at the big picture?

Do you feel trapped?

Have you given yourself the chance to take a break and breathe for at least five minutes before deciding on anything?

Could you afford to sleep on it and make decisions in the morning?

Are you having trouble organizing your thoughts about the "issue" at hand?

Even if there was logic behind your viewpoint, has your reaction to it and your devotion to it been logical as well?

Will acting how you feel you need to act, lead to happiness?  Are you thinking of the greater good?

Could this be part of a chemical imbalance in your brain?

Do you ever ask, "Am I dreaming?" when you're awake?  Do you ask, "Am I having an OCD episode?" when you're having a normal, healthy, open-minded reaction to a stressor?  Remember, OCD is like a living nightmare.  ARE YOU READY TO WAKE UP?

Are you ready to be the big brother (to be YOUR big brother)?

Will your decision make you a better person?

Is your opinion an absolute, a black/white viewpoint?

Are you having trouble trusting yourself or another?

Are you having trouble trusting the universe?

Have you asked yourself if you're stressed about things you haven't gotten done?

Does this subject fit under the category of uncertainty?

Count up the number of times you answered pro-ocd to these questions.  Use your best judgement if you think you are having an OCD episode.  Chances are, that's the case.  Don't be ashamed of yourself.  But you are most likely wrong.  Admit it to yourself and lean towards reacting in a productive way.  The bigger person is always the one who admits they're wrong and moves forward.

Remember, like in a dream, the act of questioning reality strongly suggests the opposite is true.  Snap out of it.  The alarm is going off.  Don't you dare hit snooze.

Onward!

A no love day.  That's for sure.  See previous posts if you are confused what that means.

Snow started falling once I stepped out of my apartment building.  I knew why.  I had, at that very moment, decided to be fully serious about the ailment that I have (Relationship OCD) and put my 100% towards recovery.  "I'm there.  I've finally made it," I declared as I walked the wet, snow-kissed sidewalks and embraced the chilling air as it was a sign that magic in fact can happen.  The magic of nature and its brilliant coincidences that can so easily lend themselves to webs of destiny from the perspective of thinking beings.  But here's the rub.  We were made by the universe.  Actually, we are part of it.  So, if the universe, in a sense, created us with the ability to see meaning in our existence, then maybe there is a meaning: to make meaning.  While deep in thought, the faces of people passing by seemed to suggest unusual inquisitiveness.  The world was surreal.  I didn't belong.  Then it came clear to me.  I had traveled to the past.  

Because I let go of my inner demons, all of them, and exposed them in their underwear by laying them out for all to see and scold, I had just gained back the time I'd lost.  9 1/2 years I've struggled with OCD, particularly with romantic relationships but also familial and occasionally those of a plutonic nature, and though I know I will always have a hint of this condition, I believe by figuring out that all this anxiety and judgement has come from it, I have been granted an extended life.  In that very sense, I've gone back in time.  Because I will now live that much longer or maybe much, much more, having discovered the truth about myself.  The truth is this: I judge the people and things I love.  And with this OCD, the things that are most important to me are the things I obsesses about - the most.  Stress can kill you.  But I'm not gonna let it.  It's snowing!

Torture

I am having okcupid withdrawals.  I flipped tails.  It's past midnight.  Gonna be the third day without being a predator!  I can't ask someone out unless they're being very obvious and wanting me to.  Kind of like having to be let in to their house instead of barging my way in.

Yesterday and again...

No go.  It's past midnight and now I know that all of today "tomorrow" will be loveless.  Prey, not predator.  This is so hard.  I can't send any messages to girls and I can't ask a girl out unless she's blatantly obvious about wanting me to.

I'm on Fire!

I flipped heads like a champ on 4th ave while crossing 11th street towards "PIE", a pizza-by-the-pound restaurant.  I had just bought some of my favorite iced coffee from "Think" and the ice jingled in my hand at the site of my 4th heads in a row.